Sunday, September 25, 2011


Tonight, my oldest brother sent me a picture from some old film he recently had developed. The quality is poor, considering the film was 8 years old that's no surprise. The picture is me, with my two brothers Dan & Nathan. It was taken at Christmastime in 2003. That was the last Christmas I had with brother Dan. In Spring of 2004, he died of an overdose interaction of cocaine combined with alcohol.

I looked at the picture, and Dan looks just like I remember him. He looks like he'll always look to me, because he can't age. And I love him so much. And I'm so ANGRY.

I'm angry that my brother will never be there to do magic tricks for the kids. He would pull quarters out of ears, and make things disappear. To my kids, he WAS magic. Now their memories of him are dim, they were so young when he died.

I'm angry with myself, for not calling him more often. For not taking time out of my "busy" life to keep that connection going. For not arranging to have lunch with him when he literally worked down the street from where I worked. Maybe I would have seen something. Maybe I could have helped.

I'm angry that he had just seemed to be getting his life together. He had just gotten a great job, had taken us out to dinner so excited that he was able to pay for it, it was like he had finally become a grown up. After struggling for years, selling plasma weekly just to buy food, he was on the rise.

I'm angry that a wonderful writer is no longer there to write the quirky, intellectual writings that I know would someday have been published in more than an online venue.

But most of all, I'm angry with Dan. Why didn't you seek professional help? Why didn't you come to your family for help? Why did you do such a stupid thing?? You were SO smart. I was just getting to know the Grown Up you, the older brother I could hang out with and talk to about music and technology, and you went away. IT'S NOT FAIR AND I'M PISSED AT YOU FOR IT.

If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction, PLEASE, seek help. Do it for yourself, do it for the loved ones involved.