My grandmother died recently. She had been struggling with her health for awhile, and towards the end could barely even eat. Now she's at peace.
I am sad. I am not heart-broken. I wasn't that close to my grandmother. My mom (her daughter) had a completely fucked-up childhood, and part of me was, and is, still angry at my grandmother about it. I do have good memories of my grandmother. I remember her singing around the house. She was the only person to ever call me "Shel-baby" even when I was grown. She was stubborn, and opinionated, and loved the Lord.
What makes me more sad, in a selfish way, is that as I get older, and family members and friends pass away, it feels like I'm losing pieces of myself. There are shared experiences that perhaps only myself and that person knew about, and now I am the sole keeper of that memory. My brother and mother have already passed away. There are memories that we shared that no one else in the world did, and now it's up to me to remember. It's a scary responsibility. I have trouble remembering what I need to get at the store without a list. I know so many things have slipped away as time has passed, and I mourn the loss of every memory. Now I see the attraction for blogging, or journalling, or writing memoirs. It's a way we can desperately get everything we remember out somewhere where other people can share in the memories before they are lost forever.
I felt that same way when Dan passed away. Stuff only he and I shared together are all on my shoulders, assuming that there is the responsibility for them to be remembered, of which I am not completely certain.
ReplyDeleteIs it bad that I don't feel anything for grandma?
It's not bad. I probably spent way more time with her growing up than you did. Lucky me.
ReplyDeleteI've seen the list of my high school classmates who have passed away - great friends, gone. People I have known, friends and relatives, passing on. I fondly remember them and the fun we had. Sometimes I pass those memories on, sometimes, I just smile and get on with my life. At my age, there's not many people my age left to play with..... As Humphrey Bogart once say in some movie, "No one gets out alive, not you, not me......."
ReplyDeleteI say, "Live it or live with it"......