Thursday, January 28, 2010

No Shame - Come Have A Baby With Me!

Recently my daughter has suffered some health issues, which I'm thankful to say seem to have been solved. Hopefully they won't reoccur. What I thought was rather amusing was that she's at that age where things are EMBARRASSING. Like... ANYTHING related to herself, her medical issues. If I try to talk to my husband about it, and her older brother is in the room OMGHISSYFIT "MOM! WHY did you have to say it IN FRONT OF HIM?!!!" Me: um... I was talking about ultrasounds, how is that embarassing??? I guess I can remember being embarrassed about body stuff when I was her age and into puberty (the first time I had a period my mom asked if I needed help in the (public) bathroom I was MORTIFIED "NO MOM! OH MY GAWD!!")

Most things just don't phase me now. Perhaps it's my age. Perhaps it's having 3 kids, and having lived through diaper changing, babies spitting up on other people, cleaning throwup out of the bathroom sink (SERIOUSLY, my son threw up in the SINK.. who does that??!!! You can't just let it go down you have to SCOOP IT OUT and transfer it to the toilet cause it's all chunky and nasty. UGH).

But really, I think it's childbirth.

Unless you've ever actually had a baby, I don't know if you'll fully grasp this but I'll try to explain. If you're at least a woman, you'll have some idea.. because every year since you've come "of age" you've gone to a GYN doctor and gotten to have an instrument that looks like it is the thing they use to "mechanically separate chicken" shoved up your hoohaw and been poked and prodded. The first few times you do this it's HORRIBLY awkward and embarrassing and awful. Years and years later it's old hat and whatever. Childbirth is like that too, only moreso, esp if you have more than one child.

Once you become pregnant, you have to go to the doctor semi-regularly for checks, and then frequently as the birth date approaches. Every time you go towards the end they're checking your cervix to see if it's thinned or started to open. Either the OB does it themselves, or the nurse.. see? They're acclimating you to becoming desensitized to more people have access to your no-no place..

By the time you're in labor, your back hurts, contractions hurt like hell, you're tired, you're hungry and thirsty, and you WANT THIS THING OUT OF YOU. At that point you're on a table in stirrups (yeehaw! cowboys never had stirrups like these!), and nurses, orderlies, or maybe the janitor keeps coming in to check to see how far along you are, including again doing the cervix check (um.. that's with their hand, in case you're missing this). Yes, that's right.. people you've NEVER EVEN MET before today are sticking their fingers where the sun don't shine. And guess what, you're EXCITED ABOUT IT.. because when you hit that magic number 10, and contractions are coming one on top of another then you can PUSH.... and then this HORRIBLE OUCHY PRESSURE will go away. At that point you'll just about agree to anything to be DONE.. "what??!*pantpant* you want to bring in a group of interns to watch?? does that mean I can push?? YESSUREOMGIDONTCARE".

Finally you're done, the baby is out, and the sense of relief is so amazing that you want to cry. At this point if you've had an epidural block you get your anesthesiologist's name and address because they are now on your Christmas card list for the rest of forever and you're actually considering name your new baby after them.

All of that has basically made me completely un-selfconscious when it comes to going to doctors, or anything medical or biological-related (as you can see, cause of all the junk I just shared with you!) I guess I hope my daughter doesn't have this experience for a long, long time. ;)



  1. And that same effect happens to anyone who spends too much time around me.... just ask Walf.

  2. I've heard that childbirth is the great equalizer: no shame in blowing your nose in public when 47 medical professionals have seen your business. ;)

  3. Absolutely true, Chibi. Bart, never thought about it but yeah... ;)

  4. Silly Del, Mother's never ever embarass their kids - you have a weird child! :P

    Good to hear that she's doing better! :)

  5. When I was a teenager I couldn't understand why my parents thought it was just sooo funny to annoy and embarass me. I remember my father droping me and a friend off at a party and, in front of everyone, leaning out the window and yelling after me "DO YOU WANT A HUG AND A KISS BEFORE I LEAVE?"

    When I was a teenager, I couldn't understand why my parents did things like that. Now that I have kids, I can.

  6. I had my twins at OSU over a holiday weekend - no "real" doctors around for hours. Heck, I didn't even see a resident. It was all interns and their friends. Five years later I'm sure there's a population of freshly-minted doctors who have seen, touched or otherwise 'experienced' my private bits. Awesome.

  7. Wow - am I grateful never to have experienced childbirth!