Friday, January 1, 2010

The Things I Do For You People

It's time for me to help you get in touch with your inner burp. Yes, that's right, no more laying awake at night pondering the meaning of the Universe as it applies to Burp Science. If you're easily grossed out, then by all means keep reading so you end up puking on your keyboard. Just make sure you get a family member with a camera ready first so they can upload the pics to me and I can laugh and laugh and mock you. :)

So, as we all know, some foods, or drinks (carbonated in particular) will cause you to burp. What I've noticed is that some burps are BETTER than others. I'm not talking volume, or strength.. actually my daughter has us all beat on that one (how the hell a little body like hers can house such a resonating chamber I still don't know).

I'm talking QUALITY, people. All burps taste (and usually smell) like that which you ate (though some drink burps will in fact reflect what you ate too, they get complicated). Admit it, there are just some foods that burp better than others. Unsurprisingly, people differ as to their favorite burp subject matter. They, of course, are nuts, because mine are the only ones that matter. They are:


Watermelon. Watermelon burps are so yummy it's like you're eating it all over again, but without worrying about seeds that will grow watermelons in your stomach.

Salad (with correct dressing). Viva Italian or Ranch dressing salad burps are divine. They remind you that you COULD have eaten something healthy but instead chose to liberally saturate it with a completely unhealthy delicious dressing.

Steak. That's right, you're not some leaf-eating rabbit, you're a MEAT EATER!! RAWR! SMELL THE CARNIVORE!

Baked beans. What could be better than something that will produce gas from BOTH ends??!


Hotdogs. Even high quality Oscar Mayer (yes, I did have to sing the song in my head, shutup you).. nothing says *urp* like processed meat.

Tuna salad. It was fishy on the way down, and now it's fishy-acidic YUCK coming back up. Note: these burps are excellent for tormenting the cat.

Salad (with wrong dressing). Ever go to some buffet, and all they have is weird generic off-brand pseudo-dressings that are probably actually paint thinner that they bought in bulk from an art store that was going out of business? It's difficult to actually taste test while in line, so you go ahead and risk it, go sit down, and EWWWW so nasty. But, now you have Guilt because there are little starving children in Africa that would gladly eat turpentine salad every meal, every day if they could, so you suck it up and eat it anyway. And then later you have horrific Salvadore Dali burps.

Pickled beets. Ok, I admit it, I can't remember the last time I actually ATE a pickled beet. But, I imagine the burps would be just as unappetizing as they appear to be. Even my imagination gets queasy thinking about it. Hold on a sec taking an imaginary Tums. Ahhhh

So what I'm saying here is that I pretty much evaluate what I eat on TWO scales: 1. Burp Factor 2. Red Dawn Factor

Seriously. Lem can attest to the fact that at least once a week while I'm cooking I'll make the comment, "Yeah that's perfect Red Dawn food." This basically means a canned food that you can eat straight from the can upon opening without cooking/combining with liquids etc. and it would still be edible. I didn't even really LIKE the damn movie, but somehow when the teens were grubbing for food and stealing fruit and canned stuff, that stuck with me so now that's part of how I evaluate everything. BTW, Campbell's bean with bacon soup.. totally Red Dawn food.



  1. Pickle beets are very nummy - when I was a young child I would eat so much of it at one sitting that "bodily fluids" would turn the purple'ish colour of the beet. Warm pickled beets = ewwwww, but cool/room temp ones are "da bomb!".

    As for your child having a chest that can resonate a very loud burp... that's just like all the teenage boys out there with a hollow leg to fill with their food - she just happens to have it in her chest area and isn't a teenager... yet. ;)

  2. House of Japan makes awesome burps. You can taste your dinner all over again for like 8 hours.

  3. Yep, House of Japan/Japanese Steakhouse burps are SOOO good. But, I've noticed that I have what I call "dragon breath" afterwards from the onion/mushroom appetizer soup.

  4. Don't have to worry bout what your breath smells like ... you're married!



  5. I seem to recall White Castle burps.......