Friday, April 23, 2010

If Life Was Like The Matrix *spoilers*

I will be discussing certain plot points from the movie "The Matrix" in this post, so if you haven't seen it, then WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU GO WATCH IT RIGHT NOW!

Society today is all about instant gratification. We want our food cooked FAST! Even the microwave doesn't cook stuff fast enough. Hate waiting through commercials? DVR that sucker and you can fast forward through them later. I want my tax refund NOW NOW NOOOWW!!

I've often come across situations where I really really wished that life was like the Matrix. No, not the freaky pod-people-as-batteries part, I'm talking about the vast database of knowledge you can plug into your head and INSTANT LEARN. I mean, seriously, is that not the very DEFINITION of instant gratification?! When I start to even try to consider all the stuff I'd want crammed into my brain, I wonder if perhaps the brain has a capacity that I'd reach (yes yes, I know we only use 1/3 or something ridiculous of our brain, but I'm talking MAJOR CRAMMAGE here).

Some of the stuff I'd Jack into:

1. Martial Arts. Yes, ALL of them. I want to be able to defend myself with so many different styles it would be so amazing the bad guys would just stop in their tracks and be like.. "daaammn.."

2. Sign Language Interpreting. I want hardcoded in my brain all the brilliance of my learned collegues, their experience, their skills. You never stop learning in this job..

3. Cooking. I want to be able to know how to scratch cook ANYTHING from ANYTHING. So I could go on Iron Chef and KICK THEIR BUTTS if I wanted to. But I don't. But I *COULD* and that's the point.

4. Financial Planning. If I could learn how to invest wisely, plus capitalize on investments, that would be cool. Then I could buy an island somewhere and lay out in the shade there, drinking fancy girlie-girl drinks with umbrellas and be fanned by a big palm leaf by some scantily-clad cabana boy. Don't worry Lem could have a scantily-clad cabana girl fanning him. I believe in equality in fanning.

5. Gardening. Bring on the green thumbs! I can't even keep a house plant alive right now, I have a feeling if I tried to grow stuff now for food it would turn out like Invasion of the Pod People and try to replace us.

6. Photography. I could actually take a picture that isn't the wrong exposure, or blurry?! And I'd know all about composition, and whatever else photography-smart people know?? Sign me up!

7. Fitness. I'd like to tap into all the fitness trainer knowledge so I could figure out an exercise regime that I'd like and would work and understand the Why's and the How's etc. Floundering around trying to do stuff on your own without knowing what you really need to do kinda sucks.

8. Fashion Designing. I want a direct peek at all those famous designers' minds. Not because I want to do to that line of work, but so I can figure out what the fuck they are thinking designing such messed-up, freaky-assed, pieces of crap that only an anorexic 6 ft tall supermodel could fit into. SERIOUSLY.

9. Piloting. I'd like to know how to fly all kinds of aerocraft.. big planes, little planes, helicopters, etc. If I'm ever on a commercial flight, and the pilot has a heart attack, I want to be able to land that sucker pretty as a picture not like something out of Airplane.

10. Balloon animals. I want to be able to make the Michelangelo of balloon animals. Like.. God will look down and go.. "wow, even *I* couldn't make a balloon palm tree that realistic!"

Yes, I know I could probably learn all this stuff given time, money, and effort. Did you miss the whole "instant gratification" part earlier?? Helloooo.. Yes, I realize that most of these are rather selfish. I don't want to know Doctoring, or Veterinarianing (?), or any other truly altruistic amazing thing that could probably allow me to solve world hunger. I suppose eventually when I'd learned all the really "fun" stuff I'd get to serious stuff like that. Right after I learn how to make bubble wrap.



  1. Helpful Instant hints:
    Gardening...... sun and water (some plants, shade and water).
    Photography..... do what I do, take a thousand pictures and one of them is bound to be a winner.......

  2. "Don't worry Lem could have a scantily-clad cabana girl fanning him." How do you know he wouldn't want the boy fanning him too? You know him and Trevor have a thing going ... ;)