Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I've Got It Covered

I think people are putting WAY too much emphasis on Covers these days. For example:

1. Paper Toilet Seat covers.

Yes, I understand we all have butt cooties and you don't wanna get whatever scary thing the last person had crawling about their person. The CONCEPT is good. The actual execution, not so much. I did try to use these a few times, but apparently from the time I carefully align the little circle of paper on the seat, to the time I actually turn around and start to SIT, there's too much going on and it always ends in disaster. It seems my butt is big enough to create a jet-stream-like air current when I try to actually SIT, that it will then blow the wafer-thin paper so that half of the thing is now submerged into the toilet water, thereby doing that cool "wicking" effect where the water is slowing absorbed up the paper ONTO MY BUTT where the remaining paper resides. But of course you realize this a second too late. uncool.

2. Baggies on remote controls.

WTF? Are people so germaphobic they have to put their TV remote controls in baggies?? You realize that your kids are still putting their grubby little hands all over the BAGGIE, which you're then holding.. so.. yeah.. Or is this one of those "I'm such a slob I'll drop this in my chip dip as I'm channel surfing" things? If that's the case, well maybe I'd understand. Still, there's no way I could do it though, cause I know I'd end up trying to blow as much air into the baggie as possible and close it quickly, and then smash down on it to not only change the channel, but also BAM pop that sucker and scare the crap outta the closest family member. Or the cat. Or both.

3. Plastic couch covers.

I realize when you get that old hand-me-down couch from Aunt Betty (hey! free couch! can't pass that up), and her little teacup chihuahua has been using the couch arms as it's personal chew toy for years, that this sucker needs SOMETHING over it to make it psuedo-presentable. There are many stylish and affordable cloth covers you can buy that will pretty it up and still be comfortable and keep that sprung spring from sticking up your butt while watching CSI. What I don't get is using PLASTIC couch covers. Sure, it's better than Scotch guard for keeping spills off your couch. Instead they'll just pool into your ass, or stream off onto the carpeting. Summer time in shorts -- yeehaw! Bring me a spatula to separate my sweaty thighs from where the plastic has fused to them. "Stop moving! I can't hear my show over the loud plastic crinkle noises." "WHAT??! "

4. Lamp Shade plastic covers.

These are like loose fitting condoms for lamp shades.. like your lamp is suddenly gonna get jiggy with the floor lamp over there, and you'll end up with a bunch of little desk lamps to support. YES I know the purpose is a dust cover but in my house that just means I'll have an ugly lamp condom covered with dust as opposed to a pretty lamp shade covered with dust.

5. Umbrella covers.

I'm referring to the little sheath that the umbrella comes in. Theoretically I suppose they are for when you use the umbrella and it's all wet and you need to store it in your bag or backpack but don't want the wet to get on everything. But seriously.. have you ever tried fitting a wet, or even dry, umbrella back into that?? That's like trying to put on a wet bathing suit. WAY too much effort. Then later I'm supposed to remember to get my umbrella out and open it up to let it dry, and turn that little cover inside out to dry? Yeah right I'm lucky if I remembered an umbrella at all.



  1. I bought super! cool! lamps with cream-coloured shades when I moved into my apartment. I looked at my mother like she had two heads when she suggested I leave the plastic on them. Five-ish years later? Kinda wishing I'd left the plastic on. But don't tell my mom she was right! ;)

  2. Scotch tape will pick the "hard to remove" dust right off like magic.